But I'm Smart! (continued)
I was a person who looked like I had it together. I had a job, friends, even some money in the bank. I read the New York Times, payed attention to politics and could cook a pretty elegant dinner for friends in no time, and did so often. I had a secret though. When I started drinking I could not stop. I would be out with friends or coworkers having drinks, and I would become so obsessed with how to get more without making myself noticed that I would not be able to pay attention to what was being said to me. "When I order a vodka tonic, make mine a double", I would whisper to the bartender while slipping him a ten dollar bill. I would hide bottles in my purse and desk, having drinks before because going out because I knew I might not be able to get enough. I didn't drink every day though, I would have time in between binges, and every time I came off one I would swear it was the last. Those were not promises kept though, because I still believed I could drink. Alcohol was a cunning and would get me back in a matter of days, even months. I would see people casually drinking and decide I was like them and the cycle would begin again. Eventually I could not continue, I was having the same problem over and over again and it was keeping me from others and myself. Alcohol was hurting me and beginning to cause tangible problems in the world, the only good amount for me is none. I had to accept that I could not drink like others. There are many like me, I am quite average for an alcoholic it turns out. I have to remind myself daily that I am an alcoholic so I don't forget and think I can take a drink. The connection to other sober people is what keeps me in check today.
Maresa, 35
Berkeley, CA